Analysing a throwaway line

I spend a lot of time thinking about stagecraft and delivery. I’m the sort of person who will bring a sketchbook to a standup comedy show to analyse each joke. I want to figure out what worked, what didn’t, and why. I want to think through the cadence and the sequencing. I love seeing the details. I love the craft of communication. So I’m going to aim that at my own writing.

This line:

Anything other than — this is where I should come up with some great turn of phrase describing exactly how tacky and bad the signs are, but you know what, fuck you because I don’t care — anything other than that. I just wanted to wash the words away somehow. The whole thing felt rude to me.

Sometimes analysis makes things seem more important than they really are, so let me start by saying I don’t consider this great writing. Sometimes we fall short, so the safest excuse is to pretend you meant to fall short. That’s not what happened here. It was both not great writing but also pretty well-considered. I didn’t mean for it to be bad, per se, but I was trying for something. So let me explain what I was shooting for, even if it’s not high art.

The post was about how the famous blogger Dooce committed suicide, but I used that as a launching-off point to make a broader point about mental health and how easy it is for us to feel overwhelmed. And my point wasn’t a secret. I showed my sleeves in the first paragraph, as plainly as I could:

[…] I don’t want to say much about Heather. I want to say this other thing instead, I guess.

Then I veered over to a story about how billboards are tacky, and being barraged by data at all times isn’t good for us. Then I landed the plane by saying it’s not just billboards, overload is everywhere, even from our own friends.

I don’t care. Tell it to someone else. Someone else who has space to hear it. Count me out. Because I need less, please. So did Heather. And so do you.

So that’s the arc I was going for, and right in the middle of all of it, I said the “fuck you because I don’t care” line. I thought about how to write that line for a long time. Was it too rude? Was there another way to express my feelings that would work better? More clear, less confronting, more mature, less coarse? I couldn’t come up with anything, so I published. Here it is again, for reference:

Anything other than — this is where I should come up with some great turn of phrase describing exactly how tacky and bad the [billboards] are, but you know what, fuck you because I don’t care — anything other than that. I just wanted to wash the words away somehow. The whole thing felt rude to me.

The thing is, I meant the fuck you. You. Reading this. You’re my friend, or my family, or someone who likes my writing, or something. How rude for me to say fuck you! Surely I meant it as a throwaway line. Surely it wasn’t aimed at anyone, and I was just using the f word to explain the power of my grief? Well, yes and no. It was very intentional.

This was me crying uncle, and as much as I love “you”, whoever you are, also fuck you. Because you’re people, and I’m having trouble with people. Whether overwhelming billboards or social expectations or the onslaught of “lol we’re doomed’ cynicism I have to fight through every day, it’s all too much.

So what about the run-on sentence? Again, I’m not claiming this is great writing that deserves a whole analysis, but let’s do it anyway.

1. Anything other than —
2. this is where I should come up with some great turn of phrase describing exactly how tacky and bad the [billboards] are, but you know what, fuck you because I don’t care
3. — anything other than that.
4. I just wanted to wash the words away somehow.
5. The whole thing felt rude to me.

I edited that pile of words for a while and still ended up with this hot mess. It wasn’t a first or second draft, if you can believe it. By the time I was done, I really liked how poorly the aside (#2) is book-ended by items #1 and #3. Parentheticals and asides are supposed to work even when you remove them, but in this case #3 restates #1, and I liked that grammatical stutter.

“Anything other than […] anything other than that.”

That’s garbage, and I wanted garbage. I wanted the aside to be disorienting and make you feel like walking on something rickety just about to give out. I wanted to not stick the landing. I liked the idea that I’m writing a stream-of-consciousness journal-style outpouring of emotion (#1), then I fall down the stairs into a self-pitying, out-of-nowhere burst of anger, then don’t even get back on track correctly.

• I want to say
• And speaking of which, I’m not going to write this well, fuck you
• So anyway I wanted to say

It’s like DJ Shadow completely failing to keep to a pleasing beat and accidentally turning it into one of the most iconic moments in all of hip-hop. Not in terms of quality but at least in terms of intention. Dooce fucking killed herself. You’re not going to get sad orchestral strings from me. You’re not going to get inspirational EDM with a caption saying if you’re experiencing thoughts of self-harm or suicide, please call this number. No, you’re getting discordant noise. That’s what I have to offer at this point. I know someone who talks about being overwhelmed feeling like a “swarm of bees.” Welcome to my swarm of bees. They sting. Don’t say I didn’t warn you. Yes, you. Fuck you. And I’m sorry.

But then #4 and #5 act as a palette cleanser, a deserved apology, and the start of my explanation.

1. I just wanted to wash the words away somehow.
2. The whole thing felt rude to me.

There are three paragraphs after that. I explain what I’m struggling with, I purposely stretch everything into run-on sentences, I start capitalising concepts to make them feel weightier, but I am doing it with sarcasm and anger. I’m picking a fight. I’m explaining how useless it all feels, and how I can’t handle it.

You probably want some examples. I don’t want to share examples. But in general terms, everyone has Great Taste and is a Perfect Driver and is Really Good At Spotting Bullshit and Is Never Wrong and Knows Who the Enemy Is and Wants To Tell Me About It and I’m done. I don’t care.

So that’s why I wrote it like that. I edited and re-edited for a while. I wondered if there was any other way, and I couldn’t find one. This is what I wanted to say, and I said it the best I could.